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    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel Chapter Four

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    Hailey

    Posts : 100
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 19
    Location : USA

    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel Chapter Four

    Post by Hailey on Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:27 am

    Just to clear things up, i'm not sure if I mentioned this or not, but Adam is a FTM transgender.
    Anyway, I wrote this in a couple hours. I don't hate it, but I don't love it.
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    Will it start a fight; No I don't think she has a clue


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    I woke up early, but I wasn't tired at all. I rose quietly, Eli and Bella still asleep. I walked into the bathroom without a word. Checking the clock, I noticed it was seven on a Sunday morning. Normally, I wouldn't be arising from sleep until nine or ten. I loved my sleep.

    Quickly, I brushed my teeth and pulled a comb through my hair. I then walked downstairs and into my mother's room. The door was open and she was sitting on the bed reading. I walked in a cleared my throat. My mom looked up at me, her dark hair falling around her face.

    "Clare. You are up very early," She said, closing the book and placing it beside her. I nodded and sat on the bed beside her.

    "I slept well last night," I explained, looking at the book she was reading. The title was unfamiliar, but I decided not to question anyway.

    "That's good. How late did Eli and you stay up?" My mom normally didn't care if Eli stayed with me or not. She knew how close we were. Apparently, she didn't think we'd actually ever be intimate. Honestly, neither did I.

    "He and Bella actually stayed over," I explained and smiled. I heard tiny feet hit the floor and run around. "Bella's up now."

    "You better get on the move, then. That little girl is something else." My mom chuckled and shook her head, picking back up the book.

    "Hey mom," I said, standing up. "You are gonna be OK, right?"

    "I'll try to be," My mom said and sighed. Her eyes were scared and I knew it must be hard for her. Hell, it was hard for me just to know that I might loose her. I had no idea what I would do if she died. I couldn't stay on my own.

    "That's all I ask," I say and walk into the kitchen to make Bella some breakfast. It was the first thing she asked for in the mornings. I heard Eli walking around upstairs too, most likely getting dressed. I smiled to myself, pouring a packet of oatmeal into a bowl. I added some water and stuck it in the microwave.

    "Good morning, Clare," Bella said, walking down the stairs in one of my t-shirts she slept it. Her dark hair was a complete mess, but her eyes looked awake and curious.

    "Good morning, Bella Boo." I abandoned the oatmeal to pick her weightless body up.

    "What are you doing?" Bella laid her head on my shoulder and began to mess with my curls, twirling them around her finger.

    "I'm making you breakfast," I said, opening the microwave door.

    "Is it oatmeal? Because I love oatmeal and I hope it is oatmeal," Bella said, her eyes searching for her breakfast.

    "It most certainly is," I told her, sitting her down in one of the chairs at the table. I pulled the oatmeal out of the microwave and stirred it up. I made sure it wasn't too hot and put the bowl down in front of her. She smiled and immediately started to eat.

    "Mornin' sunshine," Eli whispered, coming up behind me

    "Good morning. Did you sleep well?" I turned around to face him.

    "Very well," He noted and looked over my shoulder at Bella. "Did you go titi?"

    "Yes sir," She said and smiled proudly. "Clare, guess what! I'm using the big girl potty by myself!"

    "I heard," I said and sat on the counter, wrapping my arms around Eli from behind him.

    "I love it! But one time I sat down by myself and fell in the potty! Then daddy started laughing at me," Bella said, her face turning mad as she crossed her little arms.

    "Bella." Eli chuckled and shook his head. "You can go without telling everyone that!"

    "You're so mean! Don't laugh at my Bella," I said, acting personally offended. I pinched his arm and smiled. Bella nodded and hopped out of her chair. She ran over to me and pinched Eli.

    "Yeah," She said, hiding between my legs.

    "No pinching," Eli said and looked at me. "You are such a bad example for my child."

    "I am not," I defended. "You wanna know who is?"

    "I know who is," Eli smirked and turned around to face me, squishing Bella lightly between us. "You are."

    "Daddy!" Bella squirmed from between us and squealed. She started to run around the table.

    While she was occupied, I took a chance and quickly pecked Eli on the lips. My arms tightened my hold on his body as we stared deeply into each others eyes.

    I heard a door close and someone clear their throat. I immediately let go of Eli, and looked over his shoulder. My mom was coming out of the bedroom, still in a housecoat and pajama's. She deserved it, though.

    "Ms. Edwards," Eli greeted and added a warm smile. He moved out from in front of me as I slid off the counter.

    "Eli! It's nice to see you," Mom said and proceeded to walk over to the sink. My mom and Eli knew each other very well and she knew how much I needed him. She'd never seemed to mind that he had a child. It's probably because she knew the real Eli.

    "Is there anything I could do for you? Can I get you anything," Eli asked, obviously concerned about the cancer. He stopped Bella and picked her up.

    "Thank-you, Eli, that's very kind of you to offer. However, I think I have it under control for right now." My mom replied with a smile. She put her coffee cup down in the sink and turned around to face us.

    "Just let me know if you ever need anything," Eli said, his body moving instinctively closer to mine. My mom nodded and leaned back against the counter.

    "How are things at home? Bella is getting so big," My mom noticed, watching the small girl play with Eli's shirt.

    "Things are going just fine, ma'am. Thank-you for asking."

    Eli was so good at making everything seem ok, even when it's not. The way he said it made him sound one hundred percent sure. I knew they weren't going well, however. It was obvious that Julia was continuing to use drugs. If there was one thing that would tear this family apart it's drugs of any kind. Eli's father had died of a drug-related incident. I remember him being absolutely devastated. He wasn't the same Eli for weeks, maybe even months.

    "Clare." My eyes went from Eli to my mom. "Make sure you make your bed."

    I nodded and sighed from relief. I figured we were going to have a long talk about boundaries, but luckily I avoided that. Somehow, I feel like there is something she's not telling me. My mom had been going through paperwork the other day, but I paid no attention to it until now. Was there something other than just cancer?

    *Eli's POV*
    "I can't understand it, Adam. All I can picture is her under me all… sexy and hot and," I trailed off, leaking small details of Clare and my exchange last night. Even though I kept it hidden, it was one of the main things on my mind. I never thought of Clare as the rebellious type. I didn't think I'd ever get to that beautiful body. It was like she was made of porcelain, so fragile. I was almost scared to touch it, of fear it might shatter at the gentlest of gestures. Clare was tough, but I didn't want to admit that to myself. I'd always protected the angel. When we were in 7th grade I got into a fight because someone said she was less than perfect. Someone told her that she was worthless. That in itself should be the ultimate sin. It should be illegal to lie to such a gorgeous thing.

    "Sometimes you make me wish that I had guy parts," Adam said, giving me dirty looks.

    "I had enough fun last night for the both of us. We just had sex though, I'm actually gonna-"

    "AHH! I don't need to know," Adam screamed covering his ears.

    "You'll understand one day," I assured and smirked.

    "Sadly, I won't. How are things between you and Julia," Adam asked, taking a drink of water. "Obviously not good if you are cheating."

    "I am not cheating, I'm just using my resources. But honestly, they could be better," I whispered and looked down. "A lot better, actually. I just don't know what to do."

    "Have you talked to her?" Adam looked out the window, focusing on something across the street.

    "I try and it always ends in fighting with each other. It's useless, Adam," I explained. "Maybe I should just…"

    "Do you love her still," Adam asked.

    "I do, but I love Bella more. I know it sounds terrible but it's true." I shook my head and sighed.

    "Maybe we should just study for tomorrows test," Adam suggested, pulling a textbook out of his backpack.

    I nodded and pushed the subject from my mind. But right now, grades didn't seem all too important.


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    Sometimes I wish she was you; I guess we never really moved on


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    And Emma, did I get it right??
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    Tia

    Posts : 285
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 21
    Location : Dubrovnik, Croatia

    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel Chapter Four

    Post by Tia on Fri Oct 07, 2011 3:18 pm

    Hi Hailey! To begin, I'm sorry this review took so long, but school's been killing me ands the weekend took forever to come.
    Anyway, to start I'd like to say that you're doing a great job developing your characters. We've got a clear picture of what Eli is like; sarcastic and a bit rude, but actually very caring. Claire and her mom likewise; I love their interaction. You're doing a wonderful job there. Oh, and Bella is the cutest thing ever Very Happy Now, onto the details.

    I walked in a cleared my throat

    This is nothing but a typo. It should be 'and' instead of 'a'.

    The title was unfamiliar, but I decided not to question anyway.

    This sentence doesn't make much sense. Firstly, I think you should give us the name of the title, and then explain why it's so odd that Claire wants to question but decides against it.

    "You're so mean! Don't laugh at my Bella," I said, acting personally offended.

    The 'personally' doesn't quite fit here.

    My arms tightened my hold on his body as we stared deeply into each others eyes.

    The 'deeply' is a bit cliché and doesn't fit with the rest of the time line. I mean, a second later Claire's mom walk in. They hardly had enough time to start deeply. Keep the 'deeply' if you like, but maybe add a few sentences before Claire's mom walk in, something along the lines of 'I loved' or 'I couldn't believe' bla bla bla.

    "Clare." My eyes went from Eli to my mom. "Make sure you make your bed."

    This is a great sentence. It was all serious and adult-like a minute before, but then with this Claire's mom reminds you that, after all, they're still only kids, however grave their problems are.

    When we were in 7th grade I got into a fight because someone said she was less than perfect. Someone told her that she was worthless. That in itself should be the ultimate sin. It should be illegal to lie to such a gorgeous thing.

    This is the sweetest thing. I love you

    Sadly, I won't. How are things between you and Julia," Adam asked, taking a drink of water. "Obviously not good if you are cheating."

    "Do you love her still," Adam asked.

    Again, just minor stuff. You forgot to put a question mark. And by the way, I love Adam's and Eli's conversation.

    All in all, good stuff.

      Current date/time is Fri Nov 24, 2017 11:24 am