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Teen Writers Critique Group

Teen Writers Critique Group


    Blood Feud

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    Tania Belikova

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2011-10-02

    Blood Feud

    Post by Tania Belikova on Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:53 pm

    Part 1
    I was sleeping like I normally do on any school night-or day, since the sun was still up-but suddenly, I felt like I was drowning. All I could see was darkness. . .everywhere. I couldn't move, I felt pinned. I tried gasping and screaming for help, but all that did was sink me deeper into the dark water.
    I awoke with a start and sat up rigidly on my bed. I was gasping and I felt perspiration drip down my face that made my hair cling to my forehead and neck. I glanced at the clock.
    "It's only two?!" the words escaped my lips before I could stop them.
    Melanie stirred in her bed across from mine and then sat up, a little disoriented from what I could sense.
    "Raven?" she asked a little concerned and then lightly yawned. "Why are you up?" she glanced at the clock and then stared at me. "Holy crow," she said astonished and a little loud I might add. "it's only 2 at night?! What happened? Did you. . ." she paused, taking a slow breath. "Did you have one of those dreams again?"
    Looking away from Mel, I nodded slowly and shuddered at the memory.
    She seemed worried, concerned and most of all, afraid. "What. . .what happened this time?" she asked softly, hesitantly.
    I shrugged as if it was nothing and then sighed feeling something tickle me inside my head. I sighed and slowly whispered. "I was drowning, no one could hear me and my lungs felt like they were going to explode." I looked back at her and her eyes had widened.
    Okay, so here's the thing about Mel and I. Melanie can read peoples minds and thoughts, that includes memories. I, on the other hand, see the future, can repel anyone who has magic that can hurt me-except Mel, and we don't know why-and control four elements: fire, water, earth, and air.
    Every student here at McArthur Academy has a special ability. I was a rare and strange anomily to the usual "only one special ability to one individual" scenario.
    Melanie and I have been going to McArthur ever since I can remember. We'd sat next to each other by random coincidence in our kindergarden year. Our teacher Mr. Vargas was cruel and forced us to write Melanie Ashford and Raven Sterling. I got irritated and threw my colored pencil at his head. I sucked at writing back then, but my aim was always deadly and precise.
    After being sent to a "time out" I got to get with a partner to get to know someone. Melanie was shy-still is shy-but when I came over and we talked for a while, we became best friends.
    It's been about eleven years since then, and Mel and I were at the end of our junior year. Melanie is a vampire, minus the fangs and sparkly skin in the sunlight. I am half and half of vampire and human. My kind are called Impral. In our world, there was one thing trying to kill vampires, and those are werewolves. Yeah, no surprise there, but vampires aren't that strong. Impral go through traing to protect vampires. We are a mix of vampire and human blood, which makes us stronger, faster and more lethal.
    To kill a werewolf is as easy as putting on a glove, but werewolves can bear young faster than vampires and Imprals. They also can have as many as two to a dozen pups. But after five years, they can change into humans as well. It's startling, but that's how it is.
    Anyway, things get stranger every day for Melanie and me. Sometimes I wonder how we will survive off Academy grounds and in the real world.

    Tania Belikova

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2011-10-02

    Re: Blood Feud

    Post by Tania Belikova on Mon Oct 03, 2011 5:44 pm

    Part 2
    Melanie and I stayed up the rest of the night talking. We were too focused on what had happened to me that neither of us could fall asleep again.
    Later on, we got ready for school. After taking a quick shower and a hasty blow drying of my hair, Mel and I started walking out of the dorm building to the commons.
    We were about five yards away from the entrance to the commons when James abruptly jumped in front of us. James Sarcozy, one of my friends from training classes.
    "Hey there Rave," he said and smiled at Mel. "hey Mel." He turned back to me. "So, you ready for the break?" he asked looking into my eyes.
    I noticed something in him that I never had before: he liked me.
    Yeah, some guys stared at me like I was the most sexiest thing in the world. That didn't mean I could easily tell the diffrence between a guy's infatuation or attraction for me. For a moment, I wondered if maybe I should return his feelings.
    "Hell yeah I am!" I said looking earnestly at him. "Besides, I want to have fun before senior year. After graduation, I won't be able to have much fun." I glanced at Mel and noticed she seemed to be a little down. "Not that I won't mind much." I said hastily. "It'd be worth not having fun to be your protector Mel."
    She smiled, her emotions seemed to shift to a happier one. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.
    "Come on," she said, tugging on my arm. "I'm hungry and really parched."
    I sighed lightly but followed. Despite my aversion to her words "parched" I knew she needed to drink blood, and soon. She looked paler than usual and she seemed to be more weak, fragile. . .and a little frantic. As I followed her to the back of the commons, we were either early or late since there were only a few people ahead of us in line. I got the answer when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
    Spinning around instantly and the touch, I braced myself for a threat, slightly crouched and tense. As I looked at who was standing before me, I got a little confused seeing Gregori Lefevre stare down at me. . .amused. Slowly, I straightened my posture and smiled up at him.
    "Well hi there Rave. Were you just going to attack one of the royal blood lines?" he asked with that stupid smirk on his face. Lefevre is one of the six royal families that the vampires have. Looking at Mel, I remembered she was another royal. Lefevre, Ashford, Muelier, Olendski, Vadika and Upham were the six oldest blood lines. They are also the six royal families.
    "No," I said smiling. "I just thought you were Kyle Marcos trying to hit on me again." giving him the end-of-conversation look and tone, I turned away to follow Mel down the hall.
    At first I was tensed, ready for Greg to grab me again. As we went further down, I relaxed-just a little-as I realized he wasn't going to bother me again, yet.
    Instead of going to the wing where donated blood was, Mel went to the side where the feeders were. Normally, she never went to the feeders as her "source of nutrition". I guessed instead of cold blood, today she wanted something warm. By how frail she was, I didn't argue.
    Vampires depend on blood, but when they were weak and frail, that's when they need warm blood, straight from a prominent vein. Donated blood kept them strong, but not as strong as blood from the feeders the academy always had. Even so, most of the academy vampires prefered warm blood compared to the cold refrigerated donations-which we rarely had any in stock.
    After Mel and I left the "blood hall", that's what I call it, we finally went to get food.
    I spotted a few seats by James and then looked at Mel. Knowingly, she nodded and we started walking towards him.
    "Hey James." I said taking the seat next to him while Mel sat in the one next to me. "We didn't get to finish our talk outside." I gave him the best flirtatious look I could manage, his eyes widened and he stared at me for a few seconds. I think I went slightly too far.
    Clearing his throat a few times, he finally managed. "Twice in one day? That's a new record." he gazed at me with that adoring look and I faltered a little. Why not? It's only high school. said my inner voice. "Well, my plans are to get through the month long break and get back to the academy."
    "Oh?" I said questioningly. "And why is that? You gonna miss training that badly?"
    He chuckled and shook his head slowly. "Nope," he grabbed my hand in one of his and lifted it near his mouth. "I'm just going to miss seeing you every time I turn around." he kissed my hand and stared into my eyes.
    I had a feeling he wanted to kiss more than just my hand, but instead of acting grossed out, I simply withdrew my hand and said in the most girly singsong voice I could. "Aww, Little Jamesy boy has a crush on me!"
    The other people at the table laughed. I saw James blush momentarily and then he had that protector face on, the one that barely showed emotions. Except, well. . .I could sense that he did like me, and the glint in his eyes proved that.
    Suddenly, the bell rang for classes to start and we all started walking to the school building.

    Tania Belikova

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2011-10-02

    Re: Blood Feud

    Post by Tania Belikova on Mon Oct 03, 2011 5:48 pm

    Part 3
    Mel and I had the same class period at the begining of the day, so I didn't miss her that much. After lunch hour though, we had to separate. Vampires had different afternoon classes compared to us Protectors in training.
    I always looked forward to this time of the day, though it wasn't technically my favorite thing being apart from Mel. Either way, I loved my combat classes, I always liked the fact that I could punch someone without getting in trouble.
    I was breathing heavily staring at every movement Edmund Contila made. Ed was just as worn out as I was, his breathing slightly labored and his eyes were studying me. I took a swing at him, he dodged and I backed up going back on the defensive side.
    I was about five feet away from him and he got distracted as his auburn colored hair got blown into his face by the wind. I figured that it was better than any chance I could have gotten. Quickly, I lunged forward and struck him in the chest. He swayed a little and then caught his balance.
    Quicker than I ever thought possible, he tackled me onto the mat we were using. Even faster than him tackling me, he quickly restrained my arms and legs. Ed was smarter than most. If he hadn't restrained my legs, it would have been the easiest thing in the world to strike out with my leg to hit him just between the legs. That would have made him groan in pain and he would have let me go.
    I still struggled and after a few moments, I reluctantly ceased my struggles.
    "That was pretty great." I gasped out. From training the last three hours, I was exhausted. That, and the fact that Ed was still holding me down and cutting off my lungs a little. "Now will you get off me?!" I practically shouted. "I can't breathe!"
    He laughed and then got off me. When he stood beside me, he held his hand out to me. "Need help getting up?" he smirked and his hazel eyes sparkled a little.
    I slowly took his hand and, instead of rising, I smirked and quickly pulled his arm down toward me. At first, I saw he was shocked, then he registered what I intended on doing only a second too late.
    Smiling, I held him down while I breathed a heavy sigh. "Don't forget lesson one: never let your guard down." I smiled and he chuckled.
    We both got up and everyone started cleaning up the mats we'd used for our safety. I was glad we had mats, otherwise all that falling and pinning would seriously give us a concussion.
    "You did great out there, Rave!" Ed smiled at me and he didn't take a beating from a girl that bad. He actually seemed a little relaxed.
    "You too. Honestly, I thought I wouldn't have any moves left once you had me pinned." I said truthfully.
    He shook his head, slightly smiling. Ed was always friendly, but he was always serious in training classes. "No, you used surprise and force. I didn't expect you to do that, but you caught me off guard and you were fighting hard. . .I could see the fire in your eyes."
    I looked straight ahead at the dorms where upper classmen stayed and didn't acknowledge what he had said. Acting as if I didn't care, I shrugged. "It was the last move I had left." I explained calmly as if it was nothing.
    I saw Mel enter the dorm entrance and I immediately forgot about the last training class I was in.
    "I'll see you around. Later Ed." I waved good-bye and started jogging for the dorm's entrance.
    He called out to me. "Yeah, I'll see you at lunch!"

    I walked into mine and Mel's room and found her doing her homework. That's not a surprise. my inner voice said lightly.
    "Hey Mel." she looked up at me and started to put her things away.
    "Hey Rave. So what are the plans tonight?" she asked knowingly. Since I'm the more irresponsible one, of course she thinks I have a party planned. . .especially since it's friday night!
    "I honestly have no clue. But after dinner tonight. . .we may have a hell of a weekend!" I told her excitedly and smiled.

    Tania Belikova

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2011-10-02

    Re: Blood Feud

    Post by Tania Belikova on Mon Oct 03, 2011 5:51 pm

    Part 4
    I couldn't believe that when I woke up the next day, it was saturday.
    Excited and eager, I woke Mel up. At first she refused to get out of bed, but when i reminded her about what we were going to do, she practically jumped out of her bed.

    Later on near curfew, I hurriedly took a shower, blow dried my hair and applied some make up to accentuate my eyes and mouth. After trying on about six outfits, I finally found one I liked. It was a deep purple halter top that sort of clinged to my body and showed off my curves, a plaid purple and black skirt and I wore black knee-high boots. I looked at Mel and spun around once to show her my outfit.
    She smiled and then grimaced slightly. "You aren't gonna go to the party with your hair in tangles are you?" she asked.
    I looked in the mirror and mentally swore at myself. I remembered to dry my hair, but I hadn't brushed out the tangles after the shower.
    Picking up my brush, I started to brush the tangles. After I finished smoothening my hair, I noted how. . .Well, pretty I looked.
    I liked my chocolate brown eye color. My eyes always seemed darker or lighter depending on my moods though, and I thought that was cool. I liked the light tan to my skin color, the subtle curves to my body and how graceful everyone thought I seemed and looked. Then I admired my hair. It was such a dark brown, it looked black sometimes, it was straight and didn't curl, but it also looked like I had red streaks in it sometimes.

    Mel and I left our room and snuck down stairs to the first floor. There was only one person watching the front desk--which was inconviniently positioned to where someone could watch the front doors--but it was better than two or three. Lucky for us though, after ten seconds, she started yawning.
    I glanced at Mel and she nodded knowingly.
    The woman on watch started yawning again and her eyes drooped slightly. Mel and I waited another three minutes, but she never did fall asleep. Mel considered that we go back to our room, but suddenly, the woman slowly laid her head on her arm on the desk and her eyes closed.
    Tugging on Mel's hand, we quickly crossed the short distance to the double doors to freedom and slipped outside.
    Feeling like we were secret agents, we walked the hundred yards to the guy's dorm and snuck in through the side entrance. Why didnt I think of that at our dorm? I asked myself in my head. It would have been easier and faster, my inner voice was a little annoyed.
    After walking up stairs to the third floor, that was it for the sneaking. We could hear a few people talking and the music that played in the room.
    I had my hand out in front of me ready to knock on the door, but it suddenly opened.
    "Hey there, you girls need an escort to the kid side of campus?" said a familiar voice. I finally got a good look of the guy who had opened the door. . .It was Greg. He had that goofey and stupid smirk he always had when something seemed amusing to him.
    I glared at him and refrained from punching him in the face. "No need," I smiled earnestly. "But I'm afraid your mother called and asked us to tell you to give her back her make up bag."
    I heard laughter from the other's in the room and James put a hand on Greg's shoulder just as he started to get tense. "Step aside, Gregori, and let my friends join us."
    Greg did as James' said, but that didn't mean he didn't glare at me with pure hatred. What startled me was that that glare on his face had softened, turning to something welcoming and. . .warm. At first I thought it was because he liked me as a friend instead of hating me. Then I noticed his eyes take a look at me from head to toe.
    I grimaced, but decided to make a joke. "Hey, you can stare at me as much as you want Greg. Just don't expect me to be your girlfriend."
    Everyone in the room laughed--except James--and the usually confident Greg flushed a light pink color before walking back to a dark brown chair and settled in.
    Then, the real party started.

    Tania Belikova

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2011-10-02

    Re: Blood Feud

    Post by Tania Belikova on Mon Oct 03, 2011 5:54 pm

    Part 5
    Well, that party definetly got insane, but what shocked me was how quickly it ended.
    After about two hours, one of the protectors on duty heard music and our laughter and well. . .He busted the door open. All of us got a stern talk. It bored me, but was easy to tune out.
    He escorted Mel and me back to our dorm. When we stepped through the double doors, he didn't leave. I sighed and we continued to walk to our room.
    Once I opened the door with my key and stepped inside after Melanie, before I could slam the door, he stepped into the room. Shocked that he came in, I was afraid he was going to watch us sleep!
    Suddenly, he bowed. His next words put me in a daze. "Good night, your highnesses." then he shut the door as he left.
    Mel and I didn't talk much after that. She was tired, but I was stunned. My movements after the protector left us had me doing things I normally would, mechanically.
    As I lay in bed, I started thinking about when I was referred to as part of the royals.
    Then, I remembered something that I rarely thought about. . .I was part of the royal Ashford blood line. Along with that, Melanie was my real sister. My father, Shane Ashford, was also Mel's father. My--our--father used to be a heart breaker. . .That is, until he'd met my mother, Karen Sterling. She is an impral, just like me. She was my flesh and blood. For Mel. . .She was her mother by marriage.
    Yes, I said marriage. It was rare in our world, but it happened from time to time. My mother had fallen for Shane, just as he fell for her. Ironically, they fell for each other only about a week after our father dumped Mel's flesh and blood mother, Sierra Upham. Even though Shane and my mother had fallen for each other, that didn't mean he didn't go back to Sierra.
    Though I had been born two months before Mel, a fraternity test proved Mel and I were related. It astonished my mother, but also, it had broken her heart. Not only that, but she had to leave both Mel and me here, at the academy, to be raised. It wasn't really her choice, but she had to keep being a protector.
    Another twisted part was, when Mel was conceived, in the process, her mother passed. It's really sad that her mother died giving birth to her, but it also meant she was strong enough and was fighting to keep Mel alive.
    I never realized how weird our--Melanie and my--lives were.

    The next several weeks passed by so fast, it's a wonder that I remembered my name.
    It was the last week of school, everyone had either left early, was going to be picked up by eager parents, or were staying at the academy.
    Melanie and me were talking about how wild the last day of school was, and were heading back to our room when I noticed someone following us. With a speed that shocked me, I was tense and crouched protectively in front of Melanie. Making sure she was safe and that no harm would come to her, I let my senses range outward to find any other threat. . .But there was none.
    I sensed Melanie move to the side, which put her in danger because she was in the open of our pursuer.
    I tried to shield Mel with my body again, but her words froze my muscles in place. "Dad." she breathed.
    Trying to process what she said, I realized that there was no threat. Mel had said "Dad." which meant only one thing. . .Our father.
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    Tia

    Posts : 285
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 21
    Location : Dubrovnik, Croatia

    Re: Blood Feud

    Post by Tia on Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:59 pm

    To begin with, welcome to the site Tania! I'm Tia, by the way.
    We have an introduction forum if you'd like to post there and get to know us better, but since you posted here first I'll review this. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to get to it; school has been killing me and I haven't had any time for anything.
    Also, I have no idea which show or movie or manga or book you’re writing for, so if I make any stupid comments that are obvious to someone who follows the series/book/movie/manga, just ignore them. And if you don't agree with some of my comments, please don't change anything. View them as suggestions only; it is your story.

    Part 1

    Alright, to begin, I don't understand the beginning. It might just be me and my brain not working properly, but first she says it's a school day and then Melaine's saying that it's 2 o'clock at night XD Although, I probably just didn’t understand something. Anyway, could you explain it to me? xd

    Melanie can read peoples minds and thoughts, that includes memories.

    'that includes memories' should be in parenthesis, and 'that' should be 'which'.

    I was a rare and strange anomily to the usual "only one special ability to one individual" scenario.

    'anomily' is spelled anomaly.

    We'd sat next to each other by random coincidence in our kindergarden year

    'kindergarden' is kindergarten.

    Our teacher Mr. Vargas was cruel and forced us to write Melanie Ashford and Raven Sterling.

    Hahaha, this is cute. Two kids getting punished by having the hard job of writing out their whole name. Good idea!

    All in all, good beginning. You have a few minor spelling mistakes, but that's it. It's a good idea to give us a little back-story as well.

    Part 2

    I noticed something in him that I never had before: he liked me.

    This sentence is awkward. First off, it all seems a little too abrupt for someone to notice out-of-the-blue that someone likes him/her. I'm no expert but I think you need a couple of events for this to become obvious; not just a tiny little glint in his eye. That could be because of anything; maybe he just got into a fight with a friend or he's planning a prank or something. And, it completely contradicts the next sentence:

    Yeah, some guys stared at me like I was the most sexiest thing in the world. That didn't mean I could easily tell the diffrence between a guy's infatuation or attraction for me.

    I don't know, I'd add a flashback or something to give this sudden realization a bit more substance. Also, 'diffrence' is spelled difference.

    Spinning around instantly and the touch, I braced myself for a threat, slightly crouched and tense.

    I like this reaction; it shows how much she cares for Mel and how tough her training in.

    Looking at Mel, I remembered she was another royal.

    This doesn't seem like something you would remember out of the blue. Unless the royal families are very, very relaxed in this world or unless Raven hadn't known this information until recently, it quite frankly makes no sense.

    Even so, most of the academy vampires prefered warm blood compared to the cold refrigerated donations-which we rarely had any in stock.
    After Mel and I left the "blood hall", that's what I call it, we finally went to get food.

    This part moves too fast; personally, I would have very much enjoyed a description of how vampires drink their blood. It's always different in every book, and very entertaining to read. Also, 'prefered' is spelled preferred.

    He chuckled and shook his head slowly. "Nope," he grabbed my hand in one of his and lifted it near his mouth. "I'm just going to miss seeing you every time I turn around." he kissed my hand and stared into my eyes.

    This is an absolutely adorable picture. Love it.

    Part 3

    Mel and I had the same class period at the begining of the day, so I didn't miss her that much.

    'begining' is spelled beginning.

    I always liked the fact that I could punch someone without getting in trouble.

    Great characterization. It speaks volumes about her character.

    Ed was just as worn out as I was, his breathing slightly labored and his eyes were studying me.

    Either take out the 'were' or put a 'was' in front of 'breathing'.

    I took a swing at him, he dodged and I backed up going back on the defensive side.

    You need a comma after 'backed up'.

    I figured that it was better than any chance I could have gotten

    This sentence doesn’t really flow; it sounds awkward. Try 'I figured it was the best chance I'd get' or something like that.

    Quickly, I lunged forward and struck him in the chest. He swayed a little and then caught his balance.
    Quicker than I ever thought possible, he tackled me onto the mat we were using.

    You're using variations of 'quick' too much. Try fast or something else instead.

    That, and the fact that Ed was still holding me down and cutting off my lungs a little. "Now will you get off me?!" I practically shouted. "

    If he's cutting off her lungs, how can she shout?

    "You did great out there, Rave!" Ed smiled at me and he didn't take a beating from a girl that bad. He actually seemed a little relaxed.

    This is a great characterization too. It's really refreshing to have a male character who doesn't mind having to fight a girl. I'd like to see more of this dude, in fact.

    Since I'm the more irresponsible one, of course she thinks I have a party planned. . .especially since it's friday night!
    Friday needs to be capitalized.

    Part 4

    I couldn't believe that when I woke up the next day, it was saturday.

    I don't really understand, again. Why can't she believe it's Saturday? Also, you forgot to capitalize Saturday.

    At first she refused to get out of bed, but when i reminded her about what we were going to do, she practically jumped out of her bed.

    'i' needs to be 'I', but otherwise, good sentence. It gets you wondering and keeps you on the edge of your seat.

    After I finished smoothening my hair, I noted how. . .Well, pretty I looked.

    This sentence and the entire paragraph following seems unrealistic. There is not a single girl on the planet who is completely satisfied with how she looks. They ALWAYS find something wrong with themselves, and I could give you 10 things that I don't like about myself right away. In short, you have to make her complain about something , or ugly her down a bit.

    There was only one person watching the front desk--which was inconviniently positioned to where someone could watch the front doors--but it was better than two or three.

    'inconviniently' needs to be inconveniently.

    It would have been easier and faster, my inner voice was a little annoyed.

    The comma should be a period.

    Part 5

    Well, that party definetly got insane, but what shocked me was how quickly it ended.

    This is moving far too fast. You can't end Part 4 like you did and not give us a single description of what actually happened at the party. I expected at least 2 paragraphs about it. You need to give us an example of how crazy it is - what happened exactly?

    Then, I remembered something that I rarely thought about. . .I was part of the royal Ashford blood line.

    Again, this is not something you just 'remember', unless Raven is really one cold-hearted and uncaring bitch. It's got to be a big deal; something that she's always aware of. I don’t know, maybe you could say instead 'I started thinking about something that I didn’t like to remember' or something like that. Bad example, I know.

    Mel had said "Dad." which meant only one thing. . .Our father.

    Great ending. I'm really interested now; I want to know why Raven responded the way she did even though he's her father. It's certainly a great cliffhanger. All you need to do is work a little on the things I pointed out and you'll have a great story Very Happy I'm looking forward to part 6 Smile

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    Re: Blood Feud

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