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    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Preface and Chapter One

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    Hailey

    Posts : 100
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 19
    Location : USA

    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Preface and Chapter One

    Post by Hailey on Fri Sep 09, 2011 12:13 am

    Ok, bear with me people. This is the preface and chapter one for the summary I posted earlier.

    Lips Of An Angel
    Preface


    “She’s pregnant, Clare. Goddamn pregnant! What am I supposed to do? I can’t raise a kid at 14.” He sounded terrified and distraught. I’d only seem him like this once before, when his dad died.

    I knew he wasn’t himself, and I could see where he was coming from. Eli had told me the first time they had sex. They were young, but he was convinced they were in love. I see where that got them. Believe me, I felt unbearably bad for him and Julia, but I couldn’t help but hurt for myself. It was selfish, but how could I not? I knew that Eli would decide to stay with them, because he was that kind of guy. He doesn’t run away when times got tough. And for as long as I could remember (in my 13 years of life), I loved Eli. I knew I was young, but did Juliet not fall in love with Romeo at my age? I hurt because I know that now I’ll never be able to have him as mine. He’ll always be their Eli. He’ll be Julia’s lover, not mine. That is the greatest sorrow of this evil world. I had to toughen up and help him though. He was my best friend after all.

    “Eli,” I said sympathetically, getting over myself. “I’m so sorry.”

    “There’s no point in being sorry, Clare. It won’t change anything. Just promise me that you’ll always be there for me and I promise I’ll always be there for you. Through everything.” Eli said, his young green eyes glowing. He took my hand in his, not in a love sort of way, but a holding-on sort of way. It was like he was going to make time for us. The great friends we are, and hopefully we’ll always be.

    “I promise.” I said and wrapped my arms around his strong body.

    “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He stated, his arms embracing me.

    “Die?” I smiled, trying to make him feel better.

    “I might just have to.”

    Chapter One

    Well, my girl's in the next room; Sometimes I wish she was you.***
    “You spend more time with Clare then you do with us! I’m not allowed to see my friends, though?” Julia screamed, her long black hair falling in her hazel eyes.

    “I spend just as much time with Clare as you do with your friends! We’re not doing anything illegal when we spend time together, however!” I replied. Julia had been getting on my last nerve lately. I was almost tempted to just take Bella Grace and leave. I will if she keeps up with this drug stuff. I don’t want my beautiful baby girl around that.

    “Well excuse me for trying to have fun and be a normal teenage girl!” Julia defended, slamming her phone down on the counter. She did that when she was angry, which was a lot more often now-a-days.

    “That’s the thing, Julia. You can’t be a normal teenager! We have a kid now that needs us! Do you want me to take her away from you? Because I promise if you keep this up I will. My daughter comes first. I love you, but my Bella needs to be safe.” I said, turning to walk upstairs.

    “Eli,” Julia’s voice turned from angry to scared. “Please don’t take my baby…”

    “Then give me a reason not to.” I said calmly and retreated upstairs.
    ***
    I wrote and I wrote and I wrote until I couldn’t write anymore. My brain was dead and my eyes tired from constant checking over. My fingers flew over the keyboard quickly, editing and writing more. I ignored the plot I had carefully planned and executed before today. It was when I wanted a nice, happy ending. That wasn’t happening now, though. In real life, there is no happy ending. There was tragedy and that was it. Happy endings are fictional. Everyone comes to an end, and that in itself was tragic.

    There was one thing that kept me living, however. That one thing was Eli. He had saved me from myself multiple times. When I first had my heart broken, he was the first one there, holding me while I cried. No, he didn’t say a word the whole time. He just held me like he knew the pain I was in. I like to think I was always there for him, but I could never repay him for what he’d done for me. Even with a girlfriend and a small child he’d managed to make our friendship last. We spent just as much time with each other as we did before.

    Now, however, I was pissed. Eli put up with so much crap from Julia, and it irritated me. She doesn’t understand how lucky she was to have him. Eli was hers, what more could she want?

    My phone started ringing, playing the familiar little chimes that I had set just for Eli.

    “Hello?” I answered, pausing for a moment. I leaned back in my chair, not bothering to finish editing.

    “Can Bella and I come over?” Eli asked. His voice was emotionless. I knew something was terribly wrong.

    “Eli, you don’t have to ask. You know that. What’s up?” I replied, concerned. He’d been distant lately, and I knew he had good reasons. After all, it was none of my business. He’d tell me what he wanted to.

    “I just… I have to talk to you. You’re about the only reliable person I have at the moment.” Eli whispered into the phone. I could hear him grabbing his car keys and heading out the door.

    “I’ll see you in a minute.” I said, and closed my phone.

    ***
    “I just don’t know what to do, Clare. I love Julia, but I love my baby girl.” Eli said, watching Bella play with my make-up. She had red blush all over her face and blue eye-shadow on her nose. Bella’s dark brown hair curled and fell around her shoulders. She paid no attention to our discussion.

    “Talk to her, Eli, without yelling at each other. Sit her down and explain how bad this is for your family. What happens when she gets caught? The police will take Bella. Is that what she wants?” I looked into his vibrant green eyes, wishing I could make everything better for him. It was an excruciating pain seeing him hurt and confused.

    “I will. Tomorrow, though,” Eli said and looked down at me. He flipped dark brown hair out of his eyes. “Thank-you, Clare.”

    “You remember that promise we made when we were 13 and 14? I promised you I’d always be there for you, and I intend to keep my promise.” I insisted and hugged him.

    “Daddy, look!” Bella’s small voice said. She stood up and turned around. She had now added to the eye shadow and blush. She had red lipstick on her nose and cheeks. She had used black eyeliner as lip liner, messy lip liner at that. Bella looked quite pleased with herself, a small grin on her face.

    “Bella,” Eli started to laugh and shook his head. “Your mom’s gonna kill me. C’mon silly girl.” Eli said, picking her up and carrying her to the bathroom. I followed him in there and sat down on the edge of the bath tub. Eli began to wipe the make-up off of Bella’s adorable face. He smiled as Bella starting talking about everything under the sky. Eventually she talked herself tired and curled up in my bed, falling right asleep.

    “You’re such a help with her.” Eli said as he and I walked downstairs.

    “I’m glad,” I replied, sitting Eli down and stepping into the kitchen. “You want some water?”

    “No, thanks,” Eli replied, leaning back on the couch. He watched my every move, like he was studying me for some research project. “But, I would like you to get your pretty little ass over here so we can talk about something.”

    “Well excuse me.,” I giggled and sat down in his lap. “What do you need to talk about?”

    “Nothing, I just wanted my Clare Bear to snuggle with while we watch TV.” Eli said and smiled, wrapping his arms around me.

    “And what would your girlfriend think about that?” I asked, grabbing the remote off the back of the couch and turning it to some random channel.

    “You know she doesn’t like you, Clare. If I was hanging out with any other girl she wouldn’t give a damn. I’m not sure why you two hate each other so much.” Eli said, sounding annoyed.

    “She doesn’t like me because she’s jealous the awesome friendship we have and I hate her because she treats you like crap,” I said, looking up at him. “It’s stupid. Why do you put up with it?”

    “I don’t know,” Eli shook his head and looked down. “Sometimes I wonder if I chose the right girl. I think sometimes I didn’t. We’re so unstable and unpredictable. I hate that part but I love her. But there’s this other girl. We’re great friends, always have been. Sometimes she makes me feel like I’m worth all the trouble. She’s an amazing person. She had her heart broken once or twice. Oh and she’s gorgeous. She has the biggest blue eyes and the most beautiful red curls. Sometimes I wonder if maybe we are meant to be.”

    “Eli,” I stood up fast and pulled away, my eyes wide. It was obvious who he was talking about “You have a family. Y-you need to go.”

    What was I saying? I had the chance to take the one thing I wanted most and I didn’t do it. It would be wrong to, though. He has a family. He has a beautiful little girl and I know he loves her more than anything. Julia would never forgive me and if she found out would probably leave Eli. He’d be heartbroken and it would be my fault. I couldn’t have him.

    But for some reason I wanted the thing I knew I couldn’t have.

    And a little something inside me told me I needed this.

    “Wait,” I said catching Eli’s hand. I pulled him close and pressed my lips hard to his.
    ***

    But girl you make it hard to be faithful; With the lips of an angel


    Last edited by Hailey on Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:29 am; edited 1 time in total
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    Mac
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    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Preface and Chapter One

    Post by Mac on Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:41 am

    Hi Hailey!
    Wow, I really enjoyed that! As I said, I wasn't sure if that would be my kind, but I was really intrigued by that. I loved lots about it.

    Thing is, I've got school to go to. I'll be back later to continue on. (What? You left me on a cliffhanger! I can leave you on one too... right? XD)
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    Tia

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    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Preface and Chapter One

    Post by Tia on Mon Sep 12, 2011 1:25 pm

    First off, I'm not familiar with this series, so if I say anything in my comments that doesn't make much sense, that's why. I don't even if it's a manga or a book or a movie XD Also, the following are just suggestions. If you don’t agree, don’t change anything.


    Preface:

    I love your opening sentence. It drags you right into the story; makes you want to know more. Then Eli starts swearing, and you get an idea of how obviously angry he is. For some odd reason, I love that part.

    Your characters are 14, correct? Now, this might be the age they are in the original show, but, I don't know, raising a kid at 14 sounds very unrealistic. 16 I can imagine, but 15 is pushing it. 14 is just beyond my imagination. The majority of 14-year-old mothers would either put the child up for adoption or abort. I'm not saying to change the ages; you can keep it at 14 if you like, but it'll take very good writing to pull that off.

    That is the greatest sorrow of this evil world. I had to toughen up and help him though.

    I'd put a 'but' or an 'and' to connect the sentences.

    Eli said, his young green eyes glowing

    I love how you described his eyes as young.

    He took my hand in his, not in a love sort of way, but a holding-on sort of way. It was like he was going to make time for us.

    I'd take out the 'It was' and just use a comma to connect the two sentences.

    “I promise.” I said and wrapped my arms around his strong body

    Eh, I'd take out the 'strong' part. I'd leave it just as body. 'Strong' is overused, and I'd rather read about a normal guy than a strong one.

    Also, I love the last two sentences.

    Chapter 1:

    “You spend more time with Clare then you do with us! I’m not allowed to see my friends, though?” Julia screamed, her long black hair falling in her hazel eyes.

    You're going a tad overboard with the description here; it sounds a bit 'forced', like it's just in there for the sake of telling your readers what she looks like. I'd mention either only the eyes or only the hair.

    My fingers flew over the keyboard quickly, editing and writing more.

    I'd reword 'more' or just take it out completely. Fore example: '...writing until my eyes hurt.' Eh, bad example, but something like that.

    I ignored the plot I had carefully planned and executed before today. It was when I wanted a nice, happy ending.

    Uh, don't really understand this part. What was when she wanted a nice, happy ending? That could be just me though...

    Now, however, I was pissed.

    You've been using however a lot. Try 'though' instead.

    “Daddy, look!” Bella’s small voice said. She stood up and turned around. She had now added to the eye shadow and blush. She had red lipstick on her nose and cheeks. She had used black eyeliner as lip liner, messy lip liner at that. Bella looked quite pleased with herself, a small grin on her face.

    This is an adorable picture Very Happy I love babies <3 Out of curiosity, how old is Bella?

    He smiled as Bella starting talking about everything under the sky. Eventually she talked herself tired and curled up in my bed, falling right asleep.


    The two sentences don't really flow. I expected an example of what she was talking about.

    And a little something inside me told me I needed this

    I like this sentence a whole lot. Don't really know why.

    Anyway, overall, I liked this. It was a good preface and dragged the reader right in. You lefft us at a cliffhanger, like Mac said, and I like that part too. Your writing's very good, and I can't wait to figure out what Clare's secret is .D
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    Hailey

    Posts : 100
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 19
    Location : USA

    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Preface and Chapter One

    Post by Hailey on Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:47 pm

    Bella is 2, Eli 17 and Clare 16 now. Smile

    Kalin98

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    Join date : 2011-10-04
    Age : 19
    Location : South Carolina

    Awesome

    Post by Kalin98 on Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:20 pm

    This is so awesome its just as good as the others!
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    Hailey

    Posts : 100
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 19
    Location : USA

    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Preface and Chapter One

    Post by Hailey on Wed Oct 05, 2011 8:49 pm

    Haha well thank-you Kalin! I'm not posting my other ones, though. xD

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    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Preface and Chapter One

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