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    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Two

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    Hailey

    Posts : 100
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 19
    Location : USA

    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Two

    Post by Hailey on Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:39 am

    Ok so you'll have to bear with me. I have writers block and it's late. I apologize for all sucky-ness.

    ****************************************************************
    Honey why you calling me so late? It's kinda hard to talk right now.
    ***

    I woke up early the next morning, my mouth dry and my eyes tired. I didn’t want to open them, so I laid there thinking of the amazing night Eli and I had. We just talked and kissed. For some reason I didn’t think it was a big deal. Julia didn’t deserve him, she never had. She doesn’t deserve anything she has, and I hate that she has it so easy. Even with a kid she manages to act like a wild person.

    “Clare?” My mom’s voice said from behind my bedroom door. She sounded like she’d been crying. I frowned and braced myself.

    “Yes?” I asked, sitting up in bed. I kept the blanket pulled over me as my mom walked in my bedroom. She looked sad and alone, like she did when Dad left us.

    “Maybe you should go out with some friends today. Have a good time and then I need to tell you something when you get back home.” Mom said, leaving my door open. I knew something was definitely wrong. She didn’t let her 16-year-old daughter out with friends much. When she did she always made sure Eli was going to be with me. Now, it was like she didn’t even care. I tried to hide my disbelief.

    “Is everything ok?” I asked, climbing out of bed. I grabbed my phone off the charger, not yet checking it.

    “Everything will be just fine. I just want you to have a good time. You’re such a well-behaved young woman. You deserve some time to have fun.” She explained blankly. Her eyes were full of sadness and she tried to masquerade her voice. I wanted to know what was up, but if she didn’t want me to know, then it’s none of my business.

    “Ok, then.” I replied and watched her leave, closing the door behind herself. I dialed Alli’s number cautiously.

    “Hey, Clare,” Alli answered. “What’s up?”

    “Can you, Adam, Eli and I go somewhere tonight?” I asked, looking through my closet.

    “Sure. Where do you want to go?” She asked. You could hear her brother, Sav, playing guitar in the background. I could picture it perfectly. Sav would often play for Alli and I. He was really good.

    “Anywhere. How about we just go see a movie?” I suggested, pulling out a pair of blue jeans and a small blouse.

    “That sounds good. Want me to call Adam and Eli and tell them?” She offered. I paused for a minute thinking it over.

    “I’ll call Eli.” I assured, walking into the bathroom and setting my things down. I ignored the moment of silence on the other end as I gathered a towel from the cabinet.

    “Clare,” Alli’s voice suddenly because serious. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but Eli has a family. If I’m not wrong he seems to love them. Don’t try to get in between them. I know that you like him, but if you really loved him you wouldn’t try to mess things up.”

    “Excuse me,” I stood up quickly. Alli knew better than to start this with me. “I am not trying to mess anything up. It just happened, ok? If I had slept with him it would be different but I didn’t.” I said, and then froze. Alli didn’t know about our little make-out session last night.

    “What are you talking about? Clare,” She sounded shocked and curious.

    “Eli and I made out. That’s it.”

    “When did this happen?”

    “Last night,” I replied. “But it’s not a big deal. We just… knew that something was right. We both know how bad Julia is for him. I just happened, Alli. It didn’t get too far. Look I have to go take a shower. Bye.”

    “Fine. I’ll be by there about 12.” She said and hung up. I took a quick shower and got dressed, pulling a brush through my hair. I put on a small amount of make-up and texted Eli.

    Be at my house at 11:30.

    I put my phone in my back pocket and walked downstairs. I looked around for my mom, but saw her no where. I figured she was in the bedroom doing who-knows-what. I was worried about what was wrong, but I knew I should just calm down and try to have a good time with my best friends.

    I had never known my father that well. There were some parts of him I remember, but most of it was hazy. I remember he was tall and thin. I knew I had the same eyes as he did. Everyone tells me that I’m just like him. They tell me that we have the same temper and love for the ones around me. I never found out why he left us, though. When Eli’s father died I didn’t know how to comfort him.

    My sister was my other best friend. She was on her honeymoon with her husband right now, but we still email every chance we get. She’s helped me through about as much as Eli has and I’ll hopefully be the smart, young woman she is today.

    I soon heard the front door open and my name called.

    “Eli,” I said, standing up and walking into the dining room. He looked amazing, without even trying to. His dark brown hair fell in his eyes, while his black clothing made him look dangerous and mysterious. I loved it.

    “Hey, sexy.” Eli said and pulled my body close. His arms wrapped tight around me, as he laid a quick kiss on my lips. His eyes stared into mine admiringly.

    “That was a nice greeting,” I whispered and pressed my lips to his neck. “I loved it.” I whispered against him.

    “I try.” Eli whispered, his hands sliding down my back. Our bodies were firmly pressed together in a loving manner. Eli pressed his lips to my temple.

    “Alli’s gonna be here any minute,” I excused, pulling away from him. Right on cue, I heard Alli’s car pull into my driveway. I nodded at Eli. “Let me go tell my mother bye.”

    “Don’t be too long.” Eli said, stepping out the door. I watched him walk out to Adam and immediately start talking. I smiled to myself, knowing that today was going to be awesome. A whole day with the best friends a girl could ask for is obviously going to be amazing.

    “Mom?” I said as I knocked on my mom’s bedroom door cautiously. I heard a weak voice answer me.

    “Yes, Clare?”

    “I’m leaving now. Are you sure you’re going to be OK?” I asked, my worries increasing. I’m not sure what was wrong, but it was obviously bad.

    “I’ll be fine, honey,” Mom said, moving around in her room. “Be careful, baby girl. Stay with Eli.”

    “Yes ma’am.” I said and walked outside. That’s why she didn’t request me to bring Eli with me. She knew he’d be with me anyway. She knew how protective he was of me, even when I didn’t realize it myself. It was nice, having that security. Knowing I’ll always be safe in his arms.

    “You ready?” Alli asked, as I came out. I smiled and nodded, stepping closer to Eli.

    “Yes ma’am.” I said. We piled into Alli’s small car. Adam and Alli in the front and Eli and I in the back. Eli took my hand, hiding it from Adam and Alli. I figured he hadn’t told Adam about us yet, and I’m glad. Nobody needs to know about this. To the outside world we could still come off as very good friends. That will be the safest way to keep us private.

    Alli turned up the music, a popular song playing. Eli and I paid no attention to it as Adam turned it back down to say something.

    “So, Eli, How are you and Julia?” He asked, turning around to look at him. Eli let go of my hand quickly.

    “Rocky,” Eli admitted and looked down. “It just keeps getting worse between us. I’ve been thinking about what’s best for Bella. If she got hurt I couldn’t live with my self, Adam. She’s with my mom right now.” I looked at him sympathetically, as did Adam.

    “Is Julia still… you know.” Adam urged, making a smoking gesture.

    “Unfortunately,” Eli said and nodded. “That’s what I’m so confused about. I love her Adam, but I love Bella Grace even more. If I stick around I risk my daughter, but if I leave I loose my love. It’s a hard decision.” He confessed and looked at me.

    My heart hurt at half the things he said. I have to remember that Julia and him are still a thing. He is probably in love with her, whether his actions show it or not. Eli’s expression changed apologizing, as he gave me a half smile. Somehow, he knew what I was thinking.

    “We’re here!!” Alli chimed, parking the car. She smiled and hopped out, the three of us following her. She babbled about what movie to see. Eli and I didn’t listen and just agreed to what she said. I’m pretty sure Adam did the same. When it came to Alli, there are certain things you don’t disagree on. This would be one of them. We followed her into the crowded movie theatre, and let her handle the tickets. Adam, Eli and I got popcorn and drinks then we were ready. I found out that Alli had picked out Love and Other Drugs for us to watch. It didn’t surprise me at all. It’s just something she’d want to watch. Who knows, maybe I’d get into it. I highly doubt it though. We took our seats, Alli and Eli beside me and Adam beside Eli. It was obvious line of friendship. We were all friends but Alli was more of my friend and Adam was more Eli and I’s friend.

    About half way through the movie, during a sex scene, I noticed Eli start to look at me oddly. He inched toward me and smirked. Then I got what he meant, by his body language. I nodded briefly and looked at Alli.

    “Eli and I are going to go get a refill.” I whispered and stood up. Eli and I made our way outside of the theatre. He smiled and pulled my body close to his.

    “I can not stand to be beside you that long and not be able to touch you.” He said and pressed his lips to mine gently, running his tongue over my bottom lip. I pulled away and looked around, crowds around us.

    “Not here,” I said, and smirked. I let my arms fall from around his neck and took his hand. “Where can we escape to?”

    Eli smirked and looked at a door at the end of the hallway. It was an unused theatre, and perfect for just us. I nodded and followed him in there, as he closed the door quietly. It was pitch black in there, so Eli and I sat down near the doors.

    “Movie boring you too?” I asked, taking his hands from what little I could see.

    “Definitely. I’d much rather be in here with your beautiful face then watching other people have sex.” Eli said. I’m pretty sure he was smirking. I giggled and sat in his lap, wrapping his arm around me. Eli pressed his lips to my neck and left them there. His hands moved to my lower stomach.

    “You’re so beautiful.” Eli whispered, his hot breath hitting my neck.

    “You can’t even see me!” I protested and laughed, leaning back into him.

    “I don’t have to see you to know. You’ve always been beautiful,” Eli said, his fingers creeping their way down my pubic bone slowly. He rested his hand on me. “Is this ok?”

    “Yes,” I said and nodded. “But, Eli I’m not loosing my virginity in a movie theatre.”

    “Clare,” Eli said, not moving. “I wasn’t gonna try.”

    “Good.” I said and relaxed, feeling his hand start to put a little pressure on me. I closed my eyes, letting him. Eli’s paused, as if to ask my permission. When I nodded, he continued to apply pressure, and then release it. I wasn’t sure why, exactly, but it felt good. I had heard so many stories in the locker room in gym. Sometimes, I believed I was the only girl still a virgin. They made sex sound so great. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. I didn’t have any want to know before now. If simply doing this felt good, what would Eli’s-

    My phone started to go off. I sighed and re-gathered myself.

    “Hold on, Eli.” I said, pulling away from him. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and checked the text message I had from my mom.

    That’s it. I need you home now.

    ***
    I looked down at Julia’s sleeping form beside me. She looked peaceful, it was times like this I should enjoy and love. But, I couldn’t get Clare off my mind. She looked like an angel when she slept. I couldn’t help but wonder what the urgency to get home was earlier, however. I was terrified I had done something wrong. Maybe she was mad at me for touching her. Maybe I had nothing to do with it.
    Clare’s life had a tendency to be unpredictable. There have been several occasions that I wish we’d seen it coming. Things happened to her a lot; somehow she always seemed to push past them. She would always stand strong. That’s the difference between her and Julia. Julia was dependant on everything. She still acts like a child, even though she has one. Clare’s more of a mom to Bella Grace then Julia.

    I heard my phone start vibrating on the nightstand. I sat up quickly and grabbed it. Clare’s name was highlighted on the screen. Normally, I’d be happy about this. It was late, though. I knew something had to be wrong.

    “Hello?” I whispered, hoping Julia didn’t hear.

    “Eli,” Clare was crying, I could tell. Her voice was broken and terrified. My heart begun to pound as some of the worst things that could happen flooded into my mind.

    “Clare, baby. What’s wrong?” I breathed into the phone, watching Julia. Clare’s sobs became more evident. I stood up and quietly made my way downstairs in case she needed me to come over. She finally answered me.

    “Eli, my mom has cancer.”

    ***
    Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay? I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud.


    Last edited by Hailey on Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:28 am; edited 2 times in total
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    Emma

    Posts : 216
    Join date : 2011-08-03
    Age : 23
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Two

    Post by Emma on Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:54 pm

    It's good! This type of thing doesn't usually appear to me, but you've constructed it in such a way that I would definitely enjoy reading on.

    Mostly, there are only a few small issues with this excerpt but I do, however, have more major concerns about the age of the characters.
    I think from your last chapter, you said that Eli and Clare were 17 and 16. I myself am also 17. From both these chapters, they appear to act in quite a mature way when it comes to dealing with problems; a way which I would expect maybe 20 year olds to act like. So I would personally suggest increasing their ages in both the preface and then everywhere else by 2/3 years.
    ^^I know this is fan-fiction, but since I have no idea what it's based off, I'm just treating it as a work of original fiction at the moment, so what I've said might be something you can't do anything about.

    A slightly-less-major-thing-that-is-still-important is your dialogue punctuation. You are mixing up when you should be using commas and when you should be using full stops.

    So this:
    “You deserve some time to have fun.” She explained blankly.

    should be:

    "You deserve some time to have fun," she explained blankly.

    And this:

    “Excuse me,” I stood up quickly.

    should be:

    “Excuse me.” I stood up quickly.

    Maybe looking over this will help:
    http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html

    If you need more help with this, just ask Smile



    So, the more minor stuff.

    1. Spell "ok" as "okay" - write it out in full.
    “Is everything ok?” I asked, climbing out of bed. I grabbed my phone off the charger, not yet checking it.

    2.
    Her eyes were full of sadness and she tried to masquerade her voice.
    Using "masquerade" seems a bit out of character. It doesn't seem like a word Clare would use. This is another thing that makes her seem older than 16.

    3.
    “Can you, Adam, Eli and I go somewhere tonight?” I asked, looking through my closet.
    Should this be "this afternoon" rather than "tonight"? They do meet up at noon don't they.

    4.
    “Excuse me,” I stood up quickly.
    You never mention her sitting down.

    5. This needs rephrasing: “Let me go tell my mother bye.”

    6.
    “Yes ma’am.” I said.
    Clare said this a paragraph ago - it's repetitive.

    7. You mention "smirked" twice in these two paragraphs. Again, too repetitive.

    About half way through the movie, during a sex scene, I noticed Eli start to look at me oddly. He inched toward me and smirked. Then I got what he meant, by his body language. I nodded briefly and looked at Alli.

    “Eli and I are going to go get a refill.” I whispered and stood up. Eli and I made our way outside of the theatre. He smiled and pulled my body close to his.

    Then again here:

    “Not here,” I said, and smirked. I let my arms fall from around his neck and took his hand. “Where can we escape to?”

    Eli smirked and looked at a door at the end of the hallway. It was an unused theatre, and perfect for just us. I nodded and followed him in there, as he closed the door quietly. It was pitch black in there, so Eli and I sat down near the doors.



    But apart all that, I really enjoyed it! Very Happy
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    Hailey

    Posts : 100
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 19
    Location : USA

    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Two

    Post by Hailey on Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:52 am

    About the age thing: I wish you would have said something earlier. xD I could go back and change their ages, but I'd have to adjust the whole plot and whatnot. xD

    In the show, Clare and Eli are both published writers. Clare is 15 and Eli 16. They use big words like that. Not sure why, so i'm trying to make their voice the same as on the show. Now that you point it ou, however, I see where you're coming from. The maturity level thing relates back to original. As you'll see later on, they aren't as mature as they come off. I understand what you mean though.

    On the other things, I will change them quickly!
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    Emma

    Posts : 216
    Join date : 2011-08-03
    Age : 23
    Location : Scotland

    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Two

    Post by Emma on Fri Sep 16, 2011 9:24 am

    Hailey wrote:About the age thing: I wish you would have said something earlier. xD
    '

    Sorry! Sad
    I will try to voice my opinions earlier next time Razz
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    Mac
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    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Two

    Post by Mac on Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:05 pm

    Hi Hailey!
    Man, I should've got to this way earlier. That orange thing that comes up when there's a new post went after I clicked on this a while ago....
    Anyway, revvvvviewing time! XD

    The Good
    1. The ending. That was a SPECTACULAR cliffhanger! I wasn't expecting anything like THAT! Very Happy

    2. I love your characters. They seem... I dunno. I like them a lot, which is what I'm trying to say. To me, this feels like the typical kind of love triangle with many cool twists. It's like a director doing a remake of an absolutely awful film and the remake is absolutely amazing. I guess you could say the same thing. You combined Clare's thoughts about losing her virginity (why do I think of Olives
    when I say it?) which is what most people these days seem to feel. I remember in year 5 (4th grade to you) a year after 'sex-education' everyone CLAIMED they weren't a virgin any more. I won't be surprised if people felt pressured at that time, and that was in 4th grade - Clare's in High school now.

    3. I love how Eli has a choice between Clare and Julia! He seems to really like Clare but he has to stay with Julia. What was the reaction to Julia's pregnancy? Smile

    The Not-so-good because if I said bad, that'd be so untrue because this IS good Very Happy

    Typo...

    Hailey wrote:“Last night,” I replied. “But it’s not a big deal. We just… knew that something was right. We both know how bad Julia is for him. I just happened, Alli. It didn’t get too far. Look I have to go take a shower. Bye.”
    Er... I dunno but the bold seems like somebody forgot their contraception a few years ago... XD I think you missed the 't'.

    This is something the spell-checker wouldn't pick up:
    “Unfortunately,” Eli said and nodded. “That’s what I’m so confused about. I love her Adam, but I love Bella Grace even more. If I stick around I risk my daughter, but if I leave I loose my love. It’s a hard decision.”
    Should be lose.
    It did come up more than once. Loose is when "A screw is loose" and is likely to fall. Lose is "Did we lose the match?" Smile

    Hailey wrote:Alli turned up the music, a popular song playing. Eli and I paid no attention to it as Adam turned it back down to say something.
    I think it'd be better if it was a description of the Genre, e.g. a rock song playing. A popular song could be anything and it also lets us know a little bit about Alli. That's just me being picky though Smile
    What's the legal driving age in the USA?

    Um... Is it possible to add a small sentence of description here and there? Just to help visualisation Smile

    Final me being picky - where the POV changes, it'd be a little more helpful if you wrote the name. I was a little confused Smile

    Overall
    Brilliant! Gonna go and pick my brother now. I'll go to C3 soon Smile
    Mac

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    Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Two

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